im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
being pregnant is like rehab
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
