Michael Bay diarrhea
someone owes me an orgasm
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
