I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
