My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
