the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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