Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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