So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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