Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
