god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
