i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
