the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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