I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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