I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
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we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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