Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
