Me too!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
