my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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