dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
