things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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