He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
