talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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