If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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