Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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