sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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