Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
