Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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