I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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