I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
