Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
did i just pee glitter
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
