I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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