I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
