somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
smell my finger.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
