Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
