swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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