She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
