i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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