I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
