And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
