Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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