i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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