The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
