i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
