I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
