I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
