i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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