Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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