I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
