She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I want a musical about memes.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
