saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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