dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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