what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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