I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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