did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
