God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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