You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
