oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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