If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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