next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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