Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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