Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
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Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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