Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
