...so i touched it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Randomize
