I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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