he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
